John has been in a relationship with his ex-classmate, Jane, for about 4.5 years. They got together since Junior College and everyone around them thinks that they are very compatible. In fact, some of us even thought that they will most probably get married first, amongst us. How
ever, recently, their relationship strained and Jane initiated a break-up. Shocked and bewildered, John nonetheless agreed. 2 weeks later, Jane decided to call John to ask for reconciliation. However, this time around, John was confused. He did not know if he is ready to continue with the relationship even though he still loves her dearly.
He felt that the main reason for the initiate break-up is due to his immaturity and until he can eventually ‘grow up’, agreeing on the reconciliation might end up wasting Jane’s time. Before the breakup, he did mention to Jane that he is ready to discuss issues pertaining to setting up a family; however, Jane was not ready because she has just graduated and just started working. Furthermore, the conflict could have also arisen due to John’s fairly neutral attitude towards his future.
Perhaps bringing up the issue of setting up a family might be too sudden such that it might have resulted in the breakup? Perhaps it was the differences in expectation and wants that result in the conflict?
In my opinion, much of this issue lies behind the fact that there is a conflict of interest. Everyone has different wants and expectation and relationship is build on the basis of constant effective communication and efforts put in by both/all parties in order to reach a certain compromise eventually.
We had a good talk last night and have advised him to put himself in her shoes and not to hesitate too long. If he still a heart for her, why not give each other a chance and see if things work out the second time. If it doesn’t, at the very least, both parties have tried.
What do you guys think about conflicts that arise in a B-G relationship? Should it happen to any of your friends, what advice and suggestions would you give?
ever, recently, their relationship strained and Jane initiated a break-up. Shocked and bewildered, John nonetheless agreed. 2 weeks later, Jane decided to call John to ask for reconciliation. However, this time around, John was confused. He did not know if he is ready to continue with the relationship even though he still loves her dearly.He felt that the main reason for the initiate break-up is due to his immaturity and until he can eventually ‘grow up’, agreeing on the reconciliation might end up wasting Jane’s time. Before the breakup, he did mention to Jane that he is ready to discuss issues pertaining to setting up a family; however, Jane was not ready because she has just graduated and just started working. Furthermore, the conflict could have also arisen due to John’s fairly neutral attitude towards his future.
Perhaps bringing up the issue of setting up a family might be too sudden such that it might have resulted in the breakup? Perhaps it was the differences in expectation and wants that result in the conflict?
In my opinion, much of this issue lies behind the fact that there is a conflict of interest. Everyone has different wants and expectation and relationship is build on the basis of constant effective communication and efforts put in by both/all parties in order to reach a certain compromise eventually.
We had a good talk last night and have advised him to put himself in her shoes and not to hesitate too long. If he still a heart for her, why not give each other a chance and see if things work out the second time. If it doesn’t, at the very least, both parties have tried.
What do you guys think about conflicts that arise in a B-G relationship? Should it happen to any of your friends, what advice and suggestions would you give?
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad u shared this story with us. I think in a BGR (Boy-girl relationship) it always created the most number of interpersonal conflict. Firstly i think that for conflict in a relationship is even harder to resolve. Many times it's a battle between logic and emotion ( the mind VS the Heart). And certainly, it's due to different perception, expectation and wants that result in many quarrels and unhappiness.
For this situation as you have mentioned, i agree with the suggestion you gave your friend, i too think that they should give each other a chance. But also, the problem may be that sometime even if both parties tried and failed, the emotional entanglement may result them in still holding on. So like i say, to me, in a relationship conflict, it's always the battle between MInd and Heart :)
Thanks, Alan, for the post. This will be an issue close to heart for many of you, so thank you for sharing this here.
ReplyDeleteI noticed that quite a number of uncertainties in the relationship were mentioned. For example, that John 'felt' that the main reason for the initial break-up was due to his immaturity, and that the conflict 'could have' also arisen due to John’s fairly neutral attitude towards his future. Why the uncertainty? Due to ineffective communication? Could situation have been different if the uncertainties were clarified?
Regarding YongSheng's comment, I am just thinking about whether it is solely a 'battle between logic and emotions' or whether effective communication could have help both parties come to a compromise? Yongsheng mentioned that conflict is 'due to different perception, expectation and wants that result in many quarrels and unhappiness' - how can we overcome this?
Alan, I like your suggestion here: "elationship is build on the basis of constant effective communication and efforts put in by both/all parties in order to reach a certain compromise".
Ms. Lim
Hi Gim Sen
ReplyDeleteI think you’ve just described a classic example of the reality of life! Consider the tragic irony: the closest possible relationship between two individuals – in my opinion – is that found within a marriage; and yet, the marital relationship is most susceptible to conflicts between both parties. I guess this shouldn’t come as a surprise: when two parties with conflicting interests are put together in such close contact, there’re bound to be fireworks. Furthermore, your friends seem to share quite different life goals!
I do agree with Ms Lim that a relationship founded on uncertainties is doomed to fail. A very practical – though not apparently romantic – purpose of dating is for the intensive exchange of ideas and thoughts between both parties. Your friends could’ve seized the conducive setting of their relationship to sort out their varied life goals, and perhaps even other potential pitfalls. These, of course, require effective communication.
As for your question, I would say that two wrongs don’t make a right. John should quite guessing – he’s already made the mistake of agreeing to the break-up without any clarification – and start acting on what he’s certain about (that is, ‘he still loves her dearly’). Perhaps he could start by communicating all his thoughts – since the break-up – to Jane.
However, I must admit that it’s always easy to be a back-seat driver. Human relationships are a dynamic process, and sometimes emotions complicate this process by blurring our judgement on things. Such is the brutal reality of life.
Bing Fu
Hey Alan,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing such a personal story over here. Strangely enough, we encounter such situations from time to time, be it in our own relationships or when we are sharing a friend's burden.
Yongsheng mentioned that many times in a BGR or a marraige, more often than not, the conflict is a case of the head against the heart. I believe that both parties need to have the desire to make the relationship work, as well as commit to doing it, and that entails the use of effective communication as well, more importantly in a peaceful and non-violent setting.
Every successful marraige and happily married couple out there that we see have had their first days, their tense moments and squabbles. They take the effort to make their relationship work, and that takes time, patience, accommodation, understanding and communication as well.
-jiajie